Losing and Finding Yourself

Peeling back the layers to discover your true self

Over the past two weeks, I have had many conversations with friends and clients about losing and finding themselves.

For some, it is the first time they have felt a real connection to who they are.

For others, they lost themselves in relationships or businesses that weren’t aligned and are now coming back to their true nature.

In April 2021 I had my first experience of truly finding myself. I was at the Hridaya Yoga Centre in Mexico for six weeks, practicing Hatha Yoga and Meditation.

The Hatha Yoga was so challenging because it moved so slowly. I had been going to Vinyasa classes in New York for years and this is what I thought yoga was: sweat, move, breathe.

But at Hridaya we would hold basic postures for 5 minutes each. It felt torturous, I wanted to do more. So with a few other students, we went to the teachers telling them that we were more advanced than this and could handle more intensity. They smiled and nodded, told us to wait another three days and see how we felt.

They had seen it all before. The battle we faced was in confronting the stillness within. We wanted faster and harder sequences so that we could focus on what was coming next, rather than resting in what was happening now.

During this time there were also social dynamics at play. I was with a group of 40 people, eating, practicing, and hanging out together. From the beginning, there was a lot of judgment toward people in the group. I defined and categorized them, I labeled who I liked and who I disliked.

As weeks passed, it became apparent that what I projected onto each person was just a reflection of my judgments about myself.

By reflecting on how I perceived those around me, I learned a lot about how I perceived myself.

After four weeks of yoga, I did a ten-day silent retreat.

I had learned so much from moving with awareness and observing how I related to other people, but now it was time to uncover the relationship with my self.

A lot emerged from the silent retreat.

The biggest insight was my constant desire to escape myself. I kept wanting to move my body to avoid discomfort or thinking about the next meal, or what I would do once the ten days were over.

But somewhere inside came this voice that kept saying, ‘Stay with me, please don’t leave’

I had never realized it before, but I was always avoiding time with myself. In fact, i didn’t know how to be with myself. Whenever there was space it needed to be filled with doing something, or doing nothing mindlessly, watching YouTube videos or pouring myself into a social media feed.

After these six weeks, I left feeling that I had made a friend for life. It was such a precious experience to go for walks without listening to anything or to go to the beach and watch the waves without thinking about anything.

Toward the end of this, I wrote a poem to reflect on what changes had taken place in me;

Push your body until it hurts

Prove to yourself that you are alive

Squeeze the emotions so that nobody can see

Prove to yourself that you are strong

Be watchful for any admirers

Prove to yourself that you are beautiful

Say things so that others will nod

Prove to yourself that you are smart

I was living a second-hand experience

Through the eyes of others

But now I have seen

The strength in being soft

I have witnessed

The progress from going slow

I have felt

The beauty that lives within

And I have caught a glimpse of a first-hand experience of this life

Slowly and softly I will move forward without pushing

Because I have seen through my own eyes

And I trust that they know where to take me.

I have lost myself many times since and searched to find myself again and again.

I have learned that finding myself can never be done alone. We need others in our life who see us deeply and can reflect our true nature back to us.

I was with my mother, during this time at the Yoga center in Mexico. We both poured into each other - illuminating the beauty we saw in one another. It was such a special time together.

She has since passed, and with her passing, I thought that I would never have anybody in my life who could love and see me so deeply.

But I was wrong. Indeed, I will never have another person who will occupy the immense role of a mother, but I am surrounded by many other beautiful people who I love deeply and whom I feel deeply loved by.

I truly believe that the greatest gift that we can give is to see each other deeply.

This comes with acceptance and encouragement. To accept the person we love for who they are in this moment, and if we see a spark in them that wants to shine, we encourage them to be all that they can become.